2014: The Year of The Rut

Really!

When I created this blog page many months ago, I honestly NEVER believed that it would take several months before my next update. Me, writer of life? How? I started this page with so much fire…

But that turned to be my story in 2014 – many sparks that I had not pursued, and had allowed die out. There were a few ‘Yays’, but far more minuses. And the minuses were in all the more meaningful aspects.

I had exams to write. I had written one set of exams with a prestigious university in the UK, and had failed woefully. I hadn’t written some other exams scheduled for the year.

I wanted to change jobs. It is 22 days until the end of the year, and I remain in a job I have come to desperately hate.

I had hoped to start a relationship this year. All the (not so many) men who came my way were married or involved in a baby-mama committed relationships, and only wanted someone to while away time with, as their wives or partners were not in the country.

I had hoped to grow wiser, and have a deeper relationship with my God. Instead, my worship and study disappeared, completely. I allowed an addiction that started in December 2013 take away a decent portion of everything that meant a lot to me.

My real friendships suffered. I let the aura of new friends I made surround me. Today, It seemed like I had a dark cloak wrapped around me.

I had hoped to go out socially a bit more. Plans for that were foiled after I had to make plans to buy land, and some months were a desperate running-around-to-make-it-all-add-up.

Even now, just when the money has almost all added up, the family we are to buy the land from has come back to us to say they are no longer interested in selling the land to us.

I’ll never forget the day I stood up from my desk at work, went into the ladies’ rest room, squatted by the door, and put my hands over my head. I could hear the silent screams pouring out of me. I had absolutely no idea that I had felt so overwhelmed by the financial squeeze of this land purchase goal.

I gave up a dream I have had for over two years. There is a certain Mr. X I have always thought I would marry. He always stayed in the vicinity, without pushing or pulling away. He fears God, is funny…he met many criteria I wanted in my husband. After sometime, I would stop thinking about him, or praying that God’s will be done, and then I would dream. He would come to my house to meet my parents’, or say he is here for me. And I would wake up, and he would stay on my mind again. And no, I had not been projecting him into my dream world. It’s been two years, and despite all the subtle green light, no show. So I said, no more. A clean slate for me. I let him go.

I had a major health scare. A routine check-up raised a red flag: early glaucoma. Apparently, having myopia for a long time, and hereditary tendencies (my grandmother is being treated – but it is hard to say if for her it is old age, or down the chain also) made me a prime candidate. Open-angle glaucoma, ocular pressure in the higher boundaries of normal range… This weighed me down a lot.

So it’s almost the end of a new year. No apartment, no car, no exams passed, no job change, no mate… No land. Pretty much a rut…so far.

I won’t discount God’s intervention. Just today, I sent my CV out to 4 companies. I had sent it out to 2 out of the big 4 last week also. Whatever I achieve though will not be because I had worked for it, but because God granted mercy, and said ‘she’ll finish well’.

I am not a pity-party-thrower.. I won’t talk about all the minuses of the Year of The Rut, without talking about the lessons I learned the hard way.

P.S.: not all lessons need to be learned the hard way. Some others had learned it, and it falls to us to read their stories and learn from them so we won’t need to repeat the same mistakes.

My lessons:

2014 taught me to be more proactive about my choices, to take my matters more fully into my hands.

2014 taught me that while immediately confronting a problem may make you uncomfortable in the short-term, it would save a friendship in the long.

2014 has taught me to be more of a go-getter for MYSELF. To be more selfish, to be more determined to fight my battles, to push myself a little harder.

2014 has taught me that little foxes really do spoil the vine, that a little bad can corrupt a whole lot of good, and I should be very careful about what I permit into my vineyard.

2014 has taught me to give less time to my job. Not because I want to deprive my employer of the full benefits of the services they pay me to render, but because a job wouldn’t warm my bed at night, or be the companion that I want to talk to. It has thought me to compartmentalize better.

2014 has taught me to be a little more accountable, a little more productive.

2014 has also taught me that it’s alright to be a wallflower. Wallflowers are not red roses – they may not immediately attract attention, but that does not make them any less beautiful, or less important. The year has taught me to be a better wallflower.

2014 has affirmed to me that I should bother more about being the woman I want to be in marriage, and less about getting married.

2014 has taught me that I want to be proud of the person that I see in the mirror, that she wants to be proud of herself also, that I never again live a mediocre, rutty life. Because that was what this year has been so far. Rut.

And if my only achievement this year was to purchase land, I give myself a 5% for 2014.

I remain open to an outpouring from God, especially with regards to a new career. I am actively working on this, and believe for a change.

Before the end of this year, I’ll talk about my addiction…. I’ll also appreciate people and events. I had done my appreciation on my blackberry last year, but with marketing via BB for my hampers, it’s a bit hard to do so.

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3 Replies to “2014: The Year of The Rut”

  1. I know what it’s like. Your post is very similar to the one I wrote on the eve of my 25th birthday. Which was some years ago.

    I totally know. Trust me.

    Good thing is our lives are a God-thing.

    Paul says “nothing can ever separate us from the love of Christ” . Nothing babe, nothing.

    It may not have gone well. Heck, even still, we may be trying to find the balance and make sense of it all after a year. But God’s love never fails.

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