DAY 1: #TheSW30

Day 1

I’ll quickly admit that this question is one of the tough questions for me in the #TheSW30 challenge.

Before, I would have said,” I don’t rush into dating”. I’ve had a few companions in past years, and while I was with them, I gave them my all. I believe very strongly in healing, becoming a whole person again, rather than the half-of-a-whole that you used to be when you dated. I believe that only in being first whole again would you put your best food forward, and not make your current partner suffer for your ex’s mistakes, or place impossible expectations on them. I believe in taking your time to be by yourself before entering into a new relationship.

I still believe all of this. There has been at least two years since the last guy I had been with.

But even more, I’ve become more careful. More careful about who I open my heart to. You see, at my age, anyone I date now, I will date with an end-result in mind- marriage. More than companionship, but marriage, 2/3 kids and a future where I smile at him in my old age. The background I come from has taught me to be extremely careful in selecting this man.

I very desperately want that hand I can hold at night, and call mine. I want someone to cuddle up with at night, and a partner to raise my kids with. But more importantly, I need to be sure my heart is safe with him. So far, that part has been if-fy.

It isn’t enough for me to settle to be a ‘Mrs X’ and have my kids. I don’t want someone to have to talk me into overlooking some things about a prospective partner to make me comfortable about them. I want flaws I can wrap around my head. I want to be happy- extremely, sickeningly happy.

I want a man who will see through my b.s., and still think I am worth fighting to be with. I want someone who’d make me feel like ‘I’m priority’, someone who’d make me feel like, ‘I am the only option, not one of the available options’; someone who’d see me as a prize; someone who’d adjust his schedule for me; someone who’d call me at 5am every morning to touch base before the drama of this great city I live in starts; someone I’d feel proud to stand beside; someone who shares the same beliefs as I do. I want my very own private cheer-leading one-man squad.

I came close to finding this man. He is the last companion I had been with. He wanted me to marry him. He was close to being my one-man squad. Close, but he wasn’t it. So I walked.

You ask why I’m single; I’ll tell you. I haven’t yet found the one that my heart is safe with.

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