On knowing me….
I’m learning to be comfortable, truly comfortable in who I say I am.
I am learning to fit into a new role, to rise above procrastination, and to manage my time better. When I tell you that it is most important to achieve results and that no one is really interested in the obstacles you have to overcome to meet your deliverables and that you should just ‘face your front’ and get work done, know that it is from the capsule I freeze today that I have learned this.
I am struggling with a new dimension of leadership. In the past three years, I had
the most horrid boss been under terrible leadership, and it is vital for me that I do not enter into the mould of the poor leadership that I had previously experienced. When you see me manage people and wonder how I do it excellently, please know some of the building blocks in my leadership abilities was set at this stage of my life.
Per work, I am learning to sometimes hide the way I feel, work and just go home. I am learning to make work strictly work, and keep my opinions to myself. See, have ever heard my personal opinion about someone or a situation at work? I laid those foundation bricks in 2017. Someone taught me to live and let live. It doesn’t hurt. It really doesn’t. Know your own and hold your peace. I am also going to give to you some advice: have stuff other than work to occupy you. Dance actively, exercise religiously, binge on movies, volunteer somewhere et al. Have something that you actively do outside the office that pleases you, and totally takes your mind off work. It isn’t a binge to own a laptop or have unrestricted access to the internet.
have stuff other than work to occupy you.
On My heart….
When I talk to you about living with and beyond a broken heart and shattered dreams, know this: I learned firsthand. I remember my birthday this year. Clocking age 31 was very difficult – not the age, but the way I felt at that time. The one I wanted to spend my birthday with the most was not available, and I wasn’t going to pretend to want to be with anyone else. It felt different initially – imagine going to a zoo by yourself, and seeing several people in groups. Or being on a ride, or swing, but no one to push you or take your pictures, or just share moments with. Eventually, I gradually got into conversation with a group of people there. But after a while, I withdrew to be by myself, because the goal was to heal, to live, to laugh, by myself. Having companionship is good, but there are some levels of hurt that require you to be by yourself. I recall being on a ride that should be exhilarating. Everyone was screaming, and all I did was to stare into the distance wishing to be anywhere but where I was. I have woken up in the middle of the night, awake from midnight until 3 a.m., desperately hurting, grasping at straws, in a limbo. I remember crying in Church a few months back, telling God how I hurt, and how lonely I felt. It’s taken some time, but can you see how I am healing? So maybe sometimes, I stalk on social media. But see, I’ve got my head held high.
I have woken up in the middle of the night, awake from midnight until 3am, desperately hurting.
Back to me…..
I am learning to let go. Be comfortable with what I truly deserve. I am learning that though I want something desperately, it is not always within my control to attain what I want. I am in a stage where I accept I am good by myself. I have always been content by myself, you see. But I reached a new measure of content by myself.
I am learning to make friends again.
When you see me, you’ll wonder who my husband is, you know? I have struggled with ending an engagement. Sugar, Spice, everything nice…. and Chemical X. Remember this? There has always been that missing chemical X, and the need for it blew up. I craved more, and it wasn’t there. And I struggled with the possibility that I was settling and took time to clear my head. If you need a sounding board, I assure you, I’ve been there. Or you need someone to talk with? I will not be simply talking hot air.
I am at a place where I will no longer be so quick to judge someone who seeks something that she is not getting from her partner. I know what it means to be desperately hungry and not be fed. I know that you have no intention of hurting your partner, but that sometimes you need to find your happiness, you need to be sure you won’t look back and feel stuck. You need to be sure that you are doing what you do because you truly want to, not because society has expectations of you. I’ve learned to thumb my nose at society. When you see some of what I do, I learned them now.
I am actively involved in a dyslexia NGO in Nigeria. I am writing letters, updating the blog (www.onewordafrica.wordpress.com) and posting tweets on the social media handle. It feels great to give back, but it is also a lot of work. Research is continuous, there’s so much to do in so little time as we have workshops and are publicizing, and so need the blog rich in as short a time as possible. It is now that I am also doing some extra self-learning as I try to make the blog visually attractive
I’m struggling with making my account balance. Good one, I’m finally done with the payment for fencing of one plot. It’s been a while since I have been in such a negative state. There’s school fees payment on one end, getting tuition ready on the other, miscellaneous expenses.
I’m hungry for a car. If I never cross this express again, I will have no regrets.
Some random stuff…..
I employed my first maid. Technically, she isn’t my maid, as I got her for my mum.
I intend to write three books before I turned 40. It is one of the three goals I set for age 31 – 40.
I have had an infection. Me, that I never had an infection before. It feels so weird.
I attended a birthday party. Like 30 guys, 2 girls (including me). Turns out girl and I have known each other for years, and we hit a really good time.
This is random: use wipes in the toilet. They are a lot nicer to your skin than tissue.
I started watching Grey’s Anatomy again a few months back. It really is a lovely series.
I want to travel – an inexpensive vacation. Maybe three states within Nigeria. Lovely locations, by myself.
Emma graduated from secondary school last week. I missed her valedictory service. Wished I could go.
I go to Gbagada more often now, 🙂 . Not every day, but enough that I know my way around now. It was in 2017 that I had friends there.
… or not.
I am also living alone again. Feels weird. I can’t afford to run out of cash; I don’t have a fall-back wardrobe… ordering pizza from Debonair ’s has become harder, as they will only deliver a large size, and I am not sure I want to finish a large, even if I can.
Because this post is about me…
I am learning to take less
shit drama. I can’t and won’t stand folks that are full of themselves. I will go above their heads every single time. Grateful for a friend I can rub minds with, and glean from. I think this friend is slightly selfish, and can be very harsh, but I am very grateful for him.
I want to live, do some things I should have done when I was younger, and if I did not have so many responsibilities or paid for so many exams (that I am yet to complete certification for, loll).
I am also thinking an online MSc in Strategic Planning. Or in Counselling and Therapy.
I need to finish this series soon. I have taken so much time, and I have other stuff I want to write about.
Oh, and I am moving on. Less talk about relationship or man. I really need to be done with this sort of write-ups, thought pattern, whatever. Not that I carry man on my head, but I am closing shop altogether. Or is it the general theme?
I am dreaming about the rapture. Specifically, post-rapture. I am not reading Revelations or any post-rapture books. But this is the second dream I have had in so many weeks. I feel and see the terror and panic in the hearts of people, as they hide in clusters for safety, feeding, meeting with other people who have determined not to succumb to the mark of the anti-Christ.
Lord, please let me not be found wanting when You come.
Current Crush song
Earn your love by Ne-Yo. Enjoy.